Hollywood you have 24 Hours!

This past Sunday was a momentous occasion, many bought new High-Definition TVs, invited large groups of friends, ate unbelievable amounts of food that can only be described as a gastronomical apocalypse, drank beers, and shouted obscenities that would make the fallen son of god embarrassed. Yes I’m talking about Super Bowl XLIII. There’s more to Super Bowl than just…football. There’s an over laborite half time show and of course the millions of dollars spent on a single :30 second commercial. Personally I watch the big game more for the commercials than the actual game itself especially when my team (Go PATRIOTS!!!) isn’t in the big game even though Sundays game was an incredible one and very enjoyable to watch! There were a lot of commercials that honestly sucked it up! So the only hope for redemption was the movie trailers for the summer blockbusters, most importantly the Transformers 2 and G.I. Joe premier trailers.

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen was as expected; dark, loud, quick and AWESOME! I’ve watched it about Ten times and still get goose bumps by the end of it. Seriously watch it and tell me the fight between Optimus Prime and Devastator isn’t going to literally blow your friggin’ mind! You can’t because you know it will! I’m going to be there in full force the minute that movie comes out! Who know I may even bust out some cardboard boxes and costume up as a transformer for the premier. Haha, no I won’t. I’m not that big of a nerd.

Now for the purpose of my blog for today...

Now when I first heard that Hollywood was going to pony up and make a live action G.I. Joe movie; I thought to myself “It’s about damn time!” Then Stephen Summers (The Mummy, Mummy Returns, and [disgusted choke] Van Helsing) was attached as the director, I had an open mind, “Kay maybe he won’t F it up like his last three movies.” Then they released the official cast for the movie, “Dennis Quaid as General Hawk awesome! Sienna Miller as Baroness, good choice! Ray Park as Snake eyes!!! Are you F’ing Serious! HELL!!! YES!!! Channing Tatum as Duke, okay I’ll go with it. Marlon Wayans as Ripcord. Cristopher… what??? Marlon Wayans… of the Wayans brothers??? I must be reading this wrong. No, it says Marlon Wayans. Hmm, it must be a typo I’ll check back later. It’ll be fixed.” Days past, Weeks, Months… and it wasn’t fixed it still said Marlon Wayans. I knew Hollywood wouldn’t let me enjoy the wet dream that could have been “G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero” soon thereafter the first official screen shots showed up on the internet. And sure enough there he was clear as day, Marlon Wayans in costume as Ripcord. This movie is dead to me.

Time passed and I got over my initial anger, and I heard the first trailer would premier during Super Bowl. I got a little excited in hopes that the trailer would ignite my original flame that I held for the live action adaptation of one of my favorite 80’s cartoons. The trailer came on, then ended, and I about picked up my TV and walked to the roof to throw it down to the pavement below. If you want to know how my facial expressions progressed while watching the trailer, go pop on Raiders of the Lost Ark and go to the scene where they open the Ark and Major Toht’s face melts. There is problem after problem after F’ing problems with this movie!

First off, Marlon F’ing Wayans!

A very close second, the costume designs. I know that Hollywood can’t put the exact costumes the characters wore in the cartoon into the live action movie, they would look ridiculous and dated, so what do you do? Modernize it! The original costumes were a lot of shades of browns and camouflage, so basically military and espionage clothing well we have that already modernized people are already wearing that in today’s world. But what does Hollywood do…they put the Real American Hero’s in all black with body armor that honestly looks like they raided the poor man’s version of Batman’s closet. Baroness is in a costume that looks exactly how she looked in the 80’s cartoon. WTF! Oh because she’s a hot female let’s keep the black skin tight leather outfit from the cartoon. This is simply put infuriating to me!

Thirdly, in the trailer you see a lot slow motion Matrix style acrobatics, which is fine for Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow. I’d accept and expect that from the ninja assassins. But you see it happening with other characters from the film as well... A word of advice Hollywood, slow motion action sequences aren’t as cool as they used to be and should be used at a minimum of say one scene per movie, any more than that is a Vin Diesel movie. And if you like Vin Diesel then you aren’t smart enough to understand that burn, and you shouldn’t be reading this blog you should be at home coloring. This trailer looked like all the action is in slow motion.

Fourthly Cobra Commander is played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt you remember him as the dorky high school aged kid from 3rd Rock From the Sun, explain to me how and in what universe a 27 year old is the leader of a worldwide terrorist organization???

And lastly to end this post the last and final straw that I would have originally let slide but given the ongoing circumstances of the atrocity that’s become this movie. WHERE THE HELL IS DESTRO’S MASK?!?!?!

And now you know. And knowing is half the battle!