It's Jason! He's Back, and you're all going to die!

It’s been a hella long time since I posted a blog, this I know, and my apologies. It’s been an interesting couple weeks to say the least. Basically last week I got laid off due to budgetary reasons. Turns out when the economy goes down the crapper and working for company that’s profits are based off advertising people are going to get let go. When it first happened yeah, I was a little shocked; but I’m pretty glad it happened. Honestly I haven’t been happy with my job since I took the promotion about a year and a half ago, so this happened at a good time so now I can get a job I want and finally finish school. So what have I been doing with all my free time this past week you ask??? Well I helped my parents finish their move to Nevada, filed for unemployment, cleaned my house, and honed in my Rock Band 2 skills. Needless to say since I’m not working I do have a lot of free time, and with it being the season of Old Hallows Eve(Halloween) I’ve dedicated to the majority of my movie watching time to Horror movies. Problem with that is a lot of horror movies… well suck! There’s nothing more disappointing when you love horror movies as much as I do and to go see a movie that has potential and fail horribly. Of course there are a few good apples left on the tree that’s out of season. Just to name a few…

1) Zombie flicks – This is probably the second highest genre of the most badly made movies out there. But don’t let that fool you. George Romero’s original zombie trilogy is quite possibly the best zombie movies ever made. “Night of the Living Dead,” “Dawn of the Dead,” “Day of the Dead.” There is a fourth movie “Land of the Dead” that was made 3 years, but it isn’t up to the quality of the original three. These are from the days when Zombies were slow, mindless, and had only one want, to feed. Then the 2000’s zombies were created, as audiences have grown it’s become harder to scare us, as such Zombies have gotten smarter and faster. Most cases this has failed until Zach Snyder’s 2004 Dawn of the Dead remake brought new hope to this genre. But not only did he make the zombies fast, gross looking and scary but brought dark humor to it as well.
One example of a 2000 zombie movie done wrong is the popular Sega shooting game made to movie called House of the Dead made by quite possibly the worst director to ever walk the earth Uwe Boll. You know Uwe Boll, he created such greats like “Alone in the Dark” and “Bloodrayne”... All three movies are based off video games. And all three have received an average of 0-1 stars by every reviewer across the world. But back to House of the Dead, this is the worst zombie movie ever made. It’s so bad that they use actual scenes from the game as filler for the movie to make it longer. No I don’t mean they reenact parts of the game, no it’s actually video from the game put in the movie. And every time the hero’s shoot a gun for some reason it goes into slow motion… The only reason I could come up for this is you paid money to go see or rent this movie and you should pay for it… I hate, hate, hate, hate, this movie! Please for all that is holy in the world do yourself a favor and stare at the corner of an empty room for 90 min, you’ll get more out of your time.


Another series worth bringing up is 28 days and 28 weeks later, technically not really a zombie movie, instead of the undead, it’s a biological virus that’s infects people called the “Rage Virus” causing people to instantly go insane, violent, and basically behave like zombies. It’s more action based than horror but still the makings of a really good series.

2) “The Exorcist” – This is hands down the scariest movie I have ever seen! I love this movie, one reason that I love it so much is that it seems like the movie goes on for hours when in fact it’s only just barely over two hours. The feel and ambiance of the film drags you in and makes it seem like you’ve been watching it for a while. For most movies this is a bad thing. But in this case it’s very good. You find yourself sitting there wondering when will this end, because you are so emotionally invested in the movie, you want it to end soon so you don’t have to witness the demonic horror that’s become of this little girl. And Talk about Linda Blair’s performance in this movie! She was 11 years old when this movie was made and acted out the most horrific monster in horror history. Not too long ago they re-released this movie in theaters digitally re-mastered with an additional 10 minutes added to it. While sitting in the theater watching it I was dumbfounded by the group of teenagers sitting a few rows ahead of me, like most teens at the movies they are loud, inconsiderate, annoying, talk and text throughout the entire movie. But what I found most insulting was that they laughed throughout the entire movie. Now I find this movie disturbing and I feel uneasy the entire time watching. I couldn’t believe that through the 7 year gap between myself and these teens that they have become so desensitized they laugh at demonic possession. How sad is it that this country has become so tolerant that “The Exorcist” is what makes the youth of America laugh. Sad day, sad indeed!
3) Hauntings – Another genre that like Zombies the majority of them suck… Well I have to give them some credit. Most of them are good idea’s executed very poorly. Then because they make just barely enough money over their expected goal, they merit an even worse sequel. 1982’s “Poltergeist” is a perfect example of this. The first movie is great! The special effects, even though they are dated, still look really good and believable. Course would you expect less from the same guy that did the special effect for “Raiders of the Lost Arc,” “Star Wars,” and “Ghostbusters?”But because this movie was really good and made money, Hollywood Exec’s saw opportunity to make more money by making 2 very horrible sequels. That have nothing to do with the original movie, just P.S.’s. “Oh yeah we didn’t mention this in the first movie, but there’s a religious cult that mass suicide under the Freeling’s backyard swimming pool… and they’re back (pause for dramatic effect)… and pissed!”

Another good ghost story is the Japanese re-make of “The Ring” I found this movie actually scary and good all the way through it was consistent and didn’t slow down. This is the key to success when making a ghost story. Unfortunately this birthed mediocre and often terrible new ghost stories that have come out over the past six years, nothing but remakes from Japanese horror movies. I.E. “The Ring 2,” “The Grudge,” “The Grudge 2,” ”Pulse,” “One Missed Call.” Yes we get it! Little Asian children are creepy looking; quit rubbing it in our faces! I miss the days when movies like the original “House on Haunted Hill” “13 Ghosts,” and “The Haunting,” were considered good ghost stories. Granted I wasn’t born yet when these originally came out but I watch them semi-regularly and am still frightened by them. They worked solely off atmosphere and didn’t rely on fancy special effects, and that is why they worked!

4) Slashers – Ah yes my favorite genre of horror to talk about filled full of clichés, bad acting, and looked for any reason to show a topless teen! You know the movies I’m talking about, “Halloween,” “Friday the 13th” “Nightmare on Elm Street,” Scream,” just to name a few. The only reason I rarely watch these movies is for a good laugh. Where else will you find a movie where Jason follows a group of horny, drunk, and drugged up teens to Manhattan? I laugh at this because why the hell would Jason go to New York? Then is defeated by being flushed away by the toxic sewer waters of New York, I imagine in my head after this happens Jason throws his machete on the ground punches the air only to mutter to himself “I hate vacations” then storms off back to Camp Crystal Lake for the next murderous adventure. There is one slasher that is pretty good, “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”The reason I like this movie because unlike the other slashers, this movie is based off actual events in Texas of just plain psycho people killing for no reason. There’s a large sense of reality to this making it feel more real than like Freddy Kruger killing teens. And add the fact that one bullet will put down a member of the psycho family in Texas Chainsaw. Where you can take a shot gun at point blank range to Jason, Freddy, or Michael Myers, and it won’t kill them, they’ll get back up and come after you...

I hope this helped you determine what scary movie to watch this Halloween. Just please, please, please, promise me you won’t watch “House of the Dead” if you are even tempted to watch it call me up I’ll come down to the video store slap you across the face with a bag of my dogs droppings and take seven dollars from your wallet. That way you can feel how you would if you had watched it, and I just saved you 90 minutes of your life.